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Are you and your partner neglecting sex play? Learn how to add it back into your routine to boost your bond in and out of the bedroom. While “quickies” can be fun and spontaneous, skipping foreplay means missing out on a great way to connect emotionally and physically. According to Pepper Schwartz, PhD, a sexual health expert and researcher at the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, foreplay is critical, elemental, and necessary.

Foreplay, also known as “outercourse,” is any sexual activity that occurs before intercourse. There is no single way to engage in foreplay, as it can mean different things to different people. It can involve kissing, caressing, cuddling, flirty texting or talking, massage, and oral sex. If you like it a little rough, biting, pinching, scratching, and spanking can be a turn-on. The goal is to increase sexual excitement, which can help prepare the body for intercourse. Foreplay is sometimes thought of as a warm-up for sex, but it doesn’t necessarily have to lead to intercourse. Some couples find foreplay itself to be sexually fulfilling as a main event.

The benefits of foreplay include lubrication of the vagina, an extended erection, and the prevention of premature ejaculation for people with penises. The female body pulls the uterus up when aroused, lengthening the vagina. This process, called uterine tenting, creates a pool area for semen, which is part of the reproductive sophistication of our machinery, according to Dr. Schwartz. As those muscles relax, the nerve endings start to get stimulated, paving the way for a more pleasurable experience. Research involving married couples has found that 1 to 10 minutes of foreplay was associated with 40% of women achieving orgasm during sex. That percentage rose to 50 with 12 to 20 minutes of foreplay and 60 with more than 20 minutes of foreplay.

If you want more action in bed, you have to let your partner know what you want. But talking about sex can be easier said than done for some. Dr. Lyndsey Harper, a clinical assistant professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Texas A&M School of Medicine in Bryan, Texas, recommends two sentence starters to try when expressing sexual desire to your partner: “I want you to…” and “It feels so good when you…”. If it makes you more comfortable, you can bring up your sexual needs outside of the bedroom. If you don’t know how to bring it up, she suggests starting the conversation with something like, “Our sex life is really important, and I’d love for us to feel open talking about things. Would it be okay for me to share with you some things I like?”

Communication comfort is closely linked to trust. To experience true intimacy and fun foreplay, trusting each other is essential, especially since our needs constantly change. Couples who find it difficult to communicate about their desires should consider seeing a couple’s counselor or sex therapist who can help them navigate these discussions.

• Foreplay is just play. Couples can engage in it however they want. According to Dr. Harper, it generally takes about 20 minutes of arousal for women to become fully lubricated and ready for penetrative sex. However, it is best to abolish the idea of “foreplay” and the “main event” of penetrative sex and work together with your partner to create a fun and intimate sexual life where everyone’s needs are met.